Hello to you, all my lovely Jerryatrics. And welcome to another edition of Jerry’s Jive. I know you’ve been pining for this latest edition as you pine for them all, and I am pleased to bring it to you now. What am I going to discuss this month, you ask? Well, I’m going to talk about something that you, my ever-faithful Jerryatrics, may find a strange topic for me at this point in time. I am going to talk about women. Those deceitful, heartless creatures that are out to destroy us all. But that is not the theme of this column. That comes later. First, general discussion.

So as I was saying, women are deceitful, heartless creatures that are out to destroy us all. Every single one of you knows that this particular opinion of mine has lasted for some time now, ever since my last betrayal by one of these creatures. And furthermore, I don’t intend to change this opinion. Not for one single second.

What strikes me as funny every single time is that I always, always succeed in proving this opinion to be actual fact. I didn’t realize how far the attitudes of women extend. They even go as far as the ring, and I make it a point to let Bob know every time I see them. It’s truly amazing what you can see with your eyes open. So really, if any of you doubt my words, just watch the shows. It’s all there.

Still, we must come to the meat of this column, and so we shall. Not too long ago, Bob told me that I needed to find me another woman. This, to me, was a very strange thing to say, given my hatred for them. Why would I want to find something I hate? That’d be like looking for a penny in a gutter and scooping a piece of moldy bread into your hand. It seems pointless, and it’s downright gross. Still, it got me thinking. And I came up with an idea.

Right here, in the Jerry’s Jive column for this month, I am issuing a formal challenge. If there is any woman out there who, knowing what and who I am, as well as how I feel about women, can not only put up with all that, but prove me wrong, then that’s the woman who should be given a chance with me. So, if you think you are that woman, you’d better like me a whole lot, too. Not easy, is it? No, it most certainly isn’t. For a woman, finding something about me to like has gotta be the most challenging thing in the world right now. But ya know what? There it is. And Bob, if you’re reading this, and some woman someday decides to take me up on that challenge, and she succeeds in doing all this, I will never make fun of your relationship again. Obviously, if this woman succeeds, I will hardly be able to.

Listen. Can you hear them? The women are just pounding down my door. Oh, wait, no they’re not. See, they all know I’m right. They all know I have only provided the rest of the world with the simple truths about them, and they can’t stand it. Am I aware that I probably lost some Jerryatrics when my whole woman-hating thing started? Yes, I am quite aware. But such is life, kids. When you learn something like what I now know, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of that knowledge. And with that awesome quote, I will leave you for now. Thanks for reading, Jerryatrics. And ladies, remember that the challenge is out there… If you’re up for it.