Alright, jerryatrics, the days of cute little columns, soft-spoken words, and other assorted nice things are over! I’m Jerry Sheppard, and I’m pissed off! And why am I pissed off, Jerryatrics? I’ll tell you why. It’s because of a guy who covers himself in bread and calls himself a zombie! Aaaaaargh, I hate that guy! This edition of the column is gonna be all about him and how much I hate him, so if you don’t want that, stop reading now. You have been warned.

Ahem. I HATE THE BREAD ZOMBIE! I loathe and despise him with every fiber of my being! How, Jerryatrics, how can a guy who covers himself in bread give me so much trouble? I’m far, far above him! Socially, intellectually, and physically, I should be his God! But no! Not only has he beat me, but he fought me to a draw this past week! And it makes no sense!

He can’t wrestle! I can! He can barely walk, barely talk, and I can do both those things better than most! Well, at least the talking part. But anyway, he’s nothing! He’s a fool! An idiot! A sham! A fake! A fraud! Zombies don’t exist! He’s just a freakin guy, who freakin covers his freakin self in freakin bread! I should be able to destroy him by tapping him on the shoulder too hard! I don’t get it!

I’m sorry, Jerryatrics. My mind is a torrent right now. A maelstrom, if you will. But nothing, nothing ever goes my way. I can’t beat a loser like the Bread Zombie, I have no real friends, well, actually maybe one real one, nobody understands me or my sense of humor, well actually maybe one person does, everything just pretty much sucks! Well, actually, one thing kinda doesn’t. But you know what? I vow to you right now that I will beat the Bread Zombie. I don’t care what it takes. I don’t even care if zombies turn out to be real, and I have to shoot him with a silver bullet, or throw hotsauce on him, or something. I will defeat him. I will show him who really belongs here and who doesn’t. When I step inside, it’s my ring, and he’ll learn. No matter what, he’ll learn.

OK, I guess I’ll quit this for now. No point in ranting on and on to you guys. I just… Nevermind. You guys get the idea. Thanks for reading. My apologies for putting you through this. I’ve said before that this is my sounding board, and boy did it get some use this time. I’ll see ya next time, Jerryatrics. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have beaten him by then, and I can be much happier. We’ll see. There’s always hope.